Author: Collette

A blessing for your unfolding

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May you happen upon yourself

And be stunned at your own brilliance.

May you stand still in silent recognition of your light.

May you realize your true worth and trust in your unfolding,

May you rise up from the depths of your vast, unchartered heart.

May your heart be torn in two to break through the final holding,

While tears of joy pool in rivers along the banks of your soft neck.

May vulnerability guide you deeper into knowledge of your courage

And may courage be your chalice and your chosen cup of truth.

May your truth pour freely from you as you share your healing stories,

May your stories be received with all the love that they bestow.

May you see yourself more clearly and may you see that you are seen now

May the in-between spaces be the places you call home.

The practice of re-membering

 

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Did you forget? Did you lose sight of yourself and become blinded in all directions, deafened by the noise and dampened by the clutter? Did you forget what it feels like to come home? To gently usher in the ocean of bliss that rises from communion with your soul? Did you forget about your healing? Your traumas? Your sore places and feeling parts? Did you forget how you love to laugh and swim inside the roaring waves of experience?

One of my dear students forgot about yoga recently. He didn’t show up to class for a few weeks and when he walked back through the studio doors, it took about five minutes before he said, ‘I forgot’. I forgot how good it feels to be here, to be on the mat, to be part of a community, to move, to remember where I get stuck, where I need to work, how far I’ve come, where I need to go next. We forget the joy of being, breathing and moving. The purification of feeling. The dynamic stillness when we sit in meditation and step into silent conversation. We all forget and that’s the way it’s set up. We forget so we can remember. So we can dance inside the pulsating structures of perfect paradox. We contract we so can expand, we sleep so we can awaken, we burn so we can rise. We live and die inside each breath and in every moment lies the invitation to remember the evergreen field within each of us. That place that is endlessly patient and infinitely present. That place of pure awareness-consciousness, also known as Chit-Ananda. The Shiva space. The ground of being.

I love that sweet homecoming but I also work to remember the parts of me that aren’t so delicious. Those parts that someone once told me were far from beautiful. Parts of me I have exiled and openly spat out in front of myself. Parts of me I have kept quiet and dimmed down for fear of upsetting someone or shining too brightly. Parts of me I haven’t understood or trusted or been able to nurture, parent and breathe back to life. The becoming of this yogini is a wild song of connection and disconnection. I’ve been carefully dismembering myself over the last couple of years, burning through veils of clothing and layers of connective tissue to get to the marrow and vasculature of my bones. Hands dripping with blood and my knees torn from falls of surrender that carry the promise of transformation. Deliberately and consciously flinging myself onto the fire, with as much dignity and integrity as I can gather, before approaching the dark corners to collect the body parts and begin the re-membering.

Re-membering myself has become an innocent and unwitting experience of reclamation and recognition as I come into view.  With compassionate acceptance, I’m beginning to see where I’ve cheated myself, cut myself off, dimmed myself down. I see that I’ve cared so much about everyone else and what they think that I’ve not cared enough about myself and what I think. Freedom has come to be that place of recognition where I see consciousness reflecting back at me. But freedom has also decided to be a very real experience of becoming less bound by my own judgement and expectation, so I can be everything and nothing. Of feeling more free in who I am and how I choose to express myself. Freedom in the choices that I take and being comfortable with each of them. Not trying to live up to someone else’s ideas or ideals of who I am or who I should be. Of holding myself whole and listening to the talking circle inside myself, embracing my inner child, owning my patterns, giving less of a shit about what defines good Col or bad Col, old Col or new Col, teacher Col or student Col, creative Col or consultant Col. Just being free to be all of me, without exclusion, shame, fear or diminishment.

I’m not sure there’s such a thing as a fully integrated human but I know i’m emerging as a much less fragmented one and, as I lovingly stitch my canvas back together, other parts of me take form and I remember.

“Erase what you know, what you are so sure of. And then start thinking again. Not with your mind this time, but with your heart.” Elif Shafak

Resource Yourself

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It must be around five years ago when I tried to have a bath. I had the set-up nailed down. Fragrant candles lit, soothing products laid out, book to one side, little hand towel to wipe my hands so as not to wet the pages of my carefully selected reading material. I’d been in the bath for a few minutes when my dear friend and roomie, Roxy, came to witness this landmark achievement. She was greeted by me, sat bolt upright in the bath, surrounded by bathing paraphernalia and doing my very best to relax. Doing my very best to get it right. Just like everything else in my life. Desperately wanting to get it right. We laughed at this sorry state of affairs, as she held up her Roxstar-shaped mirror and taught me something new about myself.

Back in those days my resources were coffee, cigarettes, pretty good vegetarian food, great friends, eternal parties, sweet Mary Jane and a lot of wine. And beer. Lots of beer. Oh and tequila. We had a good time too. And Prince. Maybe there was some other stuff, but you get the picture. I used to work 7 days in 5, getting up at dawn to fit in a half day before 9am, driving to London and Edinburgh to generate as much business as possible, desperately trying to pay the taxman and hit outlandish targets I’d invented for myself. Trying to be all things to all men, women and children in a bid to prove my worth. To prove that I could earn lots of money, run a house, be ‘responsible’, be a grown up. All of which is utterly ridiculous for a girl who believes in unicorns and fairies.

To fuel my high-flying lifestyle, I used these tools to switch off, fire up, go the distance, numb out, cope, survive. And, don’t get me wrong, these were solid resources for me. They served me in pursuing my design. They got me jacked up on hyperlife and I could get all kinds of shit done. But then my vision started to change and I recognized that those everyday acts of disembodiment were putting my systems through all kinds of hell. All so I could earn more, do more, feel less, go harder, faster, longer. Man, I used to think I was invincible. I never got hangovers. I was strong and lean and still able to run half marathons with patella tendonitis and a packet of Marlboro lights in my back pocket. I probably still could but i’ve since found some alternative forms of magic and medicine that mean I can not only resource myself in ways that are actually in service of my wellbeing, but I can heal at the same time. And the best part is that they go against the grain of Western consumerism, are utterly radical in their rejection of our societal norms, don’t cost me loads of money, allow me to work less, make me feel freaking awesome and lead me to my own conclusion that I’m a bad ass ninja with secret super yogi powers.

Before I go into a list of said super powers, it’s good to know that’s it’s taken a number of years to make them part of my daily life. It started with yoga asana and nutrition. That led me to breath and meditation. Which led to mantra. Which led to space. And in that space, I started to understand the value of boundaries. I learnt to say no. I discovered that taking a bath and having a nap was really an ok thing to do – that I couldn’t be doing something ‘better’ with that time. I was empowering myself, caring for myself and acknowledging my own worth. I was listening to my body and supercharging my cells so I could do more and be more, but in a conscious and connected way. In a way that was on my own terms. In a way that didn’t lead to burnout and came from a place of deep intention and self-realisation.

I also didn’t switch from one set of tools to another on my own. I’m a big believer in building a team of experts around you, so I have my yoga teachers and scholars. I have meditation teachers, healers, massage therapists, psychotherapists, nutritionists. Sure, I have friends and family but these aren’t my ‘resources’ and I think it’s important to make that distinction. Sometimes we can place too much expectation on what our loved ones should do for us and it’s not always their job to help us solve our problems. Allowing someone to hold space for you, like a healer or a therapist, can lead to all kinds of remarkable transformations in your relationship to self and others.

One of the many things I do get from my friends and family is cuddles. This is a top resource for me. I need to hold and be held. Some of my other resources are lying in bed all day on a Saturday, organic dark chocolate, cooking really amazing food. In fact, here’s a list of my top resources, what they cost and why I use them. Yours will be different, maybe you want to bring more of these guys into play, maybe you’re really feeling like you need some extra support right now. Try these out and see what works for you. Any questions you can get in touch any time. Either through facebook or instagram or here.

 

Meditation

It’s free. Like, totally doesn’t cost you anything and you can do 5 minutes or 5 hours. It can be shrouded in ancient mystery but it’s really very simple. Sit with yourself in silence each day and see what rises up. Don’t try and control your thoughts. Just watch your breath and be present to the sounds, sensations, thoughts, memories, feelings. The more you sit, the clearer you will become. And maybe journal your experience afterwards, if you have time. Guided meditation is a great way to start and we have a couple here for you to try.

Mantra

This can be a challenge. Chanting might make you feel like you’ve gone full-hippy but drop the judgements, expectations and societal norms and go with the experience. Trust me, you will not look back. The healing sound of your own voice vibrating through your body can have all kinds of magical effects. Depending on the mantra, or vibration, you might feel calm, dreamy, regal, high. It’s all for the taking and definitely up there on the secret super powers list. Try it. What have you got to lose?

Movement

Dancing, yoga, mindful movement. A form of physical expression that allows you to connect with your body and get out of your head. Your body wants to move and asana helps us to get deeper and deeper into the experience of being embodied. If you want to develop a home practice then I offer up some ideas here or you can practice with me online ❤

Sleep

Afternoon napping is something I actually do now. If I’m tired. I rest. And my schedule is pretty busy and often means I’ve worked over the weekend or I’ve been up at 5am so I make the time to catch up. I don’t just drink more coffee and push through, which was how I would usually operate. I stop. That’s free too.

Conscious cooking and eating

I love an abundance of vegetables and grains and seeds and all the fruits of this fair planet but I can be completely absent when I eat. It’s such a shame to forget about where the food has come from, what each mouthful feels and tastes like. To notice the colours, smells, tastes and sensations and how my body responds. I suffer from bad digestion, and have done for years, so need to really chew and start the breaking down process in my mouth. When I’m in the UK, I spend around £140 on store cupboard items at the start of the year (grains, flour, legumes, oils, lotions, potions and powders) and I around £20 per week on my fruit and veg and top the store cupboard up by about £30 per month. Pete is much better at the shopping and cooking than me though and we find that dal and rice is the cheapest, tastiest and most soothing nourishment you can find and Pete is always posting new recipes here. He’s really good at eating well for not much money.

Touch

It’s free. And it’s essential. Cuddles from friends and family, cuddles at conscious events, cuddles from people you trust and feel safe with. Real cuddles to get the cuddle hormones all alive and activated. Massage. Conscious sex. It’s all good.

Healing therapies

This is a non-negotiable for me. I see someone every week for some kind of healing therapy and this is where I’m willing to spend money. It’s anything from £30 for a sports massage to £50 for psychotherapy to £80 for a good two hour Thai massage. If you’re not buying lots of booze, smoking fags or ordering takeaways then you’ll find you have plenty of money for this kind of work.

Chocolate

I can sometimes have too much of this but I stick to dark, organic and, if I can get it, raw. The better it is, the less of it I want but that sugar still calls to me so this is a resource I have to be mindful of.

Healthy boundaries

Boundaries. What are they then? I didn’t know till a few years ago. Seriously. I was always open to all things from all people and would often find myself in situations where I was overstretched or asking too much of myself. Learning how to create healthy boundaries and communicate them from a position of clarity, strength and truth has been an invaluable resource. And it can be cheaper than going to all the parties and doing all the things all of the time. If you want to learn more about boundaries then I really recommend Boundaries and Protection by Pixie Lighthorse. It’s an incredible book and a short guide that you can keep close to you and read again and again to support you in making better choices that serve you.

 

Sophie’s world

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My dear student, Sophie, sent me a vey thoughtful and contemplative email after class, a few weeks back. It was in response to a sequence i taught around the theme of ‘Transitioning’, which was born out of my musings about being a process. I asked Soph if she would send it to me as a blog post so i could have a guest blogger. It felt quite fancy having a guest blogger and i’ve been very much looking forward to sharing this with you so do let me introduce my first guest to this site: the deeply intelligent, endlessly entertaining and magical yogini, Sophie Dourambeis (it took me a long time to check that girl into class with all those vowels to remember). Over to you Soph…

Thoughts on Transitions, by Sophie Dourambeis

I love Spring… and Autumn too, Summer and Winter as well but mainly Spring. The transition period from Winter to Summer holds so much promise, so much hope, so much life.

And so, in reflection of the season, our recent yoga practice has centred around transitions. What ‘transitioning’ means and how we can enhance our practice by focusing on the bits in between as well as the ‘end goal’, the final Asana. In one class, Col asked us to embrace the transition, use it, work with it. And there I was thinking, “Isn’t it all transition?”

I wonder if it’s something about the English language that we often focus on where we are going instead of how we are getting there. When we speak we often talk of the destination without recognising the journey it takes to get there. Whether this is a physical place, an achievement, an attainment or something more abstract such as a feeling, a mindset or head space. Perhaps it is a symptom of modern life that we constantly grasp or strive… it keeps our focus in the future rather than here and now.

But is there anything other than journeying?

I often meditate using imagery of water, it’s what comes natural to me. There is this body of water I travel, it flows into that unique part of consciousness where everything is made of love. There are places where the current looks a bit strong, there are places where the ebb and flow is steady and there are moments of calm and apparent stillness where I can pause along the way. But it is never anything other than a pause. The flow must go on.

Us humans are constantly moving and transitioning. Sometimes we are curious explorers; seeking, searching, finding, observing. Sometimes we are striving to fulfil our needs and desires, perceived or otherwise. Sometimes we are lost; ambling contentedly or desperately seeking an escape route.

Our environments are in constant flux. Our ecosystem changes moment by moment; flowers blossom, trees grow, the composition of the earth beneath our feet changes. Urban areas are developed; New houses are built, old buildings are torn down, roads expand. Our physical bodies transition constantly; cells renew at a rate of millions per second and we can’t even measure how many neurons have fired in your brain by the end of this sentence. The universe is expanding at (as close as we can get it) a rate of 68km/s per megaparsec. That means if there was/is (time and space verb tense conundrum) a galaxy 3.3 million light years away it would be speeding away from us at a rate of 68km per second!

We move and change, not only alongside of it, but as part of this magnificent universal soup. We look to expand our minds, find knowledge, learn new skills, improve at something. Yes, we might have goals or points along the way where we check ourselves out and give an internal salute of ‘yeah baby’ but do we ever really get there? Where is there anyway? Is it somewhere that encourages us to find more? Learn more? Discover more? Something new and other or something old and familiar looked at in a different way.

And if we don’t transition, like a body of a water we stagnate and become heavy and grimy, losing our nourishing, life giving qualities. And start to smell. Worse still, if we resist the flow, like a reed, eventually we break and then we get carried along with the flow anyway and have no control over getting caught in the rapids or pushed down into the undercurrent or stuck on the bank… and that doesn’t sound too good either.

You’ll find me back on this body of water, lovingly crafting a raft with life, embracing the flow.

In Greece they say ‘καλό ταξίδι’ (pronounced ‘kallo taxidthi’) it means ‘good journey’. Enjoy the journey, it could be all there is.

 

 

THE S WORD

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Ain’t nowt as queer as folk, as they say up here in t’north. Meaning that there’s nothing more strange than people and I like to think that beneath this hardy no-nonsense wisdom is an intimation that human beings are eternally fascinating creatures. Studying my own inner creature has, I think, led me to appear more and more queer to others, which is funny because the deeper I go the clearer I become. The further down the rabbit hole I travel, the more real I appear to myself. Freer and freer as I strip off my layers, howling and marauding about the place in ecstatic pain and devastating joy, without the assistance of any class-A compounds. Curiouser and curiouser does the world become as my self dissolves and my spirit rises up.

Ok. I said it. I said the S word.

Does anyone else feel weird about the S word? I really don’t feel weird about it but I realize that I’m afraid of being measured by it. And then I realize, who fucking cares anyway? It’s my experience that counts and no one else can have my experience. Just me. Ain’t that something.

Over the last few years, and many hours of yogic practices, study and experimentation it’s become so obvious to me that I have a ‘spirit’. In fact, I find it surprising when people think that it’s weird to have such a view. It’s the fault of the word, of course. Spirit implies spirituality, which quickly tumbles into this whole chain of signification where I somehow end up at the foot of a splintered cross, on a grassy knoll, wearing a habit, chanting and rocking while sweeping the floor for fear of crushing an ant. A heady mix of Judo-Christian-Hindu-Jainism that makes little sense and bears even less resemblance to my experience of ‘spirit’. Apart from the chanting and rocking bit. I love a good chant-rock.

So, let’s, for a moment, pretend the ‘s’ word doesn’t exist and all we have is raw, direct, yet-to-be-articulated experience. Now imagine looking into a baby’s eyes. You know those babies where you look in their eyes and they stare right into your very soul and all you can do is look back at them from the deepest place in your heart. That unspoken exchange of pure being. Of pure consciousness that cuts through all the layers of language and perception to reach inside the very core of you and them. What’s that then? That, right there, is holy communion. Their very essence tapping into your very centre. That, right there, is nothing less than magic. It’s not rational and quantifiable. It’s beauty and love and connection and a recognition that what is inside of you is inside of everyone else.

“Recognising yourself in the other being and the other being in yourself requires an expansion of your perception – a move beyond ‘I am’ and a limited sense of identity. This expansion continues until you experience yourself in all things and all things in yourself. Realising yourself as a pattern of the whole universe, playing its part through you.” (Christopher Wallis, Tantra Illuminated). Woah there Christopher! You’re saying that I am a pattern of the universe?!? Oh yeah. Course I am. I’m made of Universe grade stardust.

Maybe that’s just science to you and science is your spiritual, but what it does for me is bring meaning and presence to the simplest of things. “When you contemplate a pebble, what is really happening is that the universe is contemplating itself. Your illusion is that you are separate from the whole. As you study protons, electrons and neutrons, you are studying yourself – it is the universe contemplating itself. Only when subject and object are collapsed can it reintegrate itself. Consciousness chooses to not stay as homogenous nothingness but as a vast multiplicity of apparently differentiated subjects and objects … a free and joyous act of self-expression done entirely for its own sake”.

[In case you hadn’t noticed, I love Hareesh Wallis. He’s an audacious, scholarly dude who has a way of explaining stuff that makes total sense and completely blows my mind at the same time. You can read more of his words here.]

So if the ‘S’ word freaks you out then don’t use it, but don’t let it get in your way. Don’t let it stop you from trying out yoga and meditation or, if you’re a yoga teacher, don’t let it stop you from speaking from your heart. Don’t let it draw you too far into your speaking, thinking, analytical mind. Drop the language and dive into the experience. As Hareesh says “only experiential proof is valuable in this domain. The experiment is worth conducting.” Hell yeah it is. It’s only through direct experience that any of this has made any sense to me. Sadhana – spiritual practice – helps you bust out of your existing structures so you can see yourself as you really are and access the blissful freedom that is already yours. “A completely autonomous blissful awareness”, right there inside that body of yours, just waiting to be recognized. And experienced.

When I meditate, I allow myself to just be. To rest in my own being, which is the most beautiful place I have ever travelled to. And I can go there whenever I want, which is nothing less than radical. That recognition of my own power, my own magnificence, my own infinite vastness encased in my finite form humbles me with the deepest gratitude for this breath, this life, this body. I don’t believe in God. I struggle with the word divine. But I know that what lies in me, lies in everyone else and all I can do is honour that and continue to remind myself that not everything can be explained. That my experiences are all I have to go on. And that I can find different maps to navigate and articulate what’s happening when my heart blasts open in a backbend or I feel like I’m going to lift off after chanting 108 Om Para Shaktis. I trust what I feel and that’s taken some time – and will be a life’s work – but getting skillful in being sensitive is what it takes to wake up. To my own light, my own dark, my own spirit. And if that’s weird then it’s definitely good-weird and I’ll bow down to that.

“The same awesome powers behind this whole universe are flowing within you and provide the very foundation of your whole experience of reality. Your fear and pettiness drop away as you harmoniously fall into the dance of life energy – realizing that you are the only one who has ever limited your potential. There is nothing to do, nothing to achieve, other than to embrace the divine powers that are expressed through you in an endless flow of moments.”